i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
