you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
false alarm. still invincible.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
