They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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