the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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