i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
