im drinking this country out of the recession.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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