my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
