I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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