She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
