remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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