he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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