My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize