I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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