An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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