I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
