I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
