Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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