I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
