while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
