btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
