DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
