so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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