My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
