I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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