I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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