The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
