My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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