M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You are the jesus of drinking
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
