just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
