Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
