They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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