Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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