Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
