He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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