I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Randomize
