Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
