I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
