2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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