Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize