I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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