He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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