I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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