Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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