Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
