Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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