literally had 100 drinks last night.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
