I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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