she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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