well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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