How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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