Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
