I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
