well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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