I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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