Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
