The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
