he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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